==>SIT DOWN WITH LORD ENGLISH
M1ST3R LORD 3NGL1SH, 1 H4V3 COM3 H3R3 ON 4 P3RSON4L M4TT3R
OF COURSE YOU HAVE.
YOU’RE THE LEGISLACERATOR.
NOT 4NY MOR3!
1 4M M3R3LY H3R3 UND3R TH3 4USP1C3S OF BOTH TR4FF1C L4W 4ND CONC3RN 4S 4 PR1V4T3 C1T1Z3N
TH4NK YOU V3RY MUCH FOR NOT K1LL1NG M3 BY TH3 W4Y 1 TH1NK TH4T 1S TH3 M4RK OF 4 TRU3 G3NTL3M4N
I WOULD NEVER KILL ONE OF THE DOCTOR’S GIRLS.
TH4T D3SCR1PT1ON 1S B4S1C4LLY GROSS BUT 1 W1LL L3T 1T P4SS!
1 4M H3R3 R3G4RD1NG 4 TROLL WHO H4S R3PR3S3NT3D H1MS3LF 4S 1N YOUR 3MPLOY 4N 1ND1GOBLOOD C4LL3D G4MZ33 M4K4R4
GIRL, PASS ME A KLEENEX.
ALREADY GOT A SPOT ON MY COAT.
HOW CAN ANYONE EXPECT ME TO LOOK PROFESSIONAL
WHEN I AM ALREADY SMEAR?
==>ENTER THE FELT DOMAIN
Lord English is the premier mob boss in the city. He is the king of crime, the guru of gangland. Even Mobster Kingpin comes a sour-faced second to the man behind the Felt, and the other gangs are petty arteries to the fetid pulsing heart of Felt criminality. You get your dark hoofbeasts — who knows what dark and vengeful God the Midnight Crew think they serve? — but the most brazen of supervillains wouldn’t cross the path of English lightly. Or that of his majordomo, Doc Scratch.
(Dave’s own rival dared cross swords with the latter, once! You too have a complex connection! But Morgaine is a law unto herself.)
Look at all this green shit. You’ll have lime in your sinuses for days.
M1ST3R LORD 3NGL1SH
THROUGH D4NG3RS UNTOLD 4ND H4RDSH1PS UNNUMB3R3D 1 H4V3 FOUGHT MY W4Y H3R3 TO YOUR FOURTH-FLOOR OFF1C3, TO 1SSU3 YOU W1TH NOT1C3 OF P4RK1NG V1OL4T1ON
FOR MY W1LL 1S 4S STRONG 4S YOURS
4ND MY K1NGDOM 4S GR34T
4LSO, 1 4M 4N OFF1C14L P41D BY TH3 C1TY TO 3NFORC3 TR4FF1C COMPL14NC3
==>IMPOUND THE HILARIOUS CAR
This is a little more like it.
The official Feltmobile is designed to be a stretch-poolvertible. The back is literally a billiards table. It has sweet rims and a dope paint job. It is the dumbest car you have ever laid eyes upon, and you regularly ride in a van that advertises protein powder.
—SHOW CELLPHONE LOG—
do you know how you literally say aha
its like hearing a bullet come out of the worlds biggest shotgun and you know its aimed right for both testicles
LORD 3NGL1SH M4Y B3 CL3V3R BUT H3 H4S FORGOTT3N 4N 1MPORT4NT RUL3
4 THR33WH33L3D V3H1CL3 MUST NOT B3 P4RK3D W1TH1N F1FTY F33T OF 4 F1R3 HYDR4NT 3XC3PT UPON MOON-D3P3ND3NT PUBL1C HOL1D4YS NOT C3L3BR4T1NG 4NY R3L1G1OUS B3L13F
yeah that one trips me up all the time
is this your amazing plan btw youre going to ticket his pimp ride
1T GR13V3S MY H34RT SOR3LY TO CL4MP TH3 FR33DOM OF TH1S SW33T-4SS R1G WH1CH H4S DON3 NOTH1NG BUT S1T H3R3 B31NG UTT3RLY FR3SH
BUT N33DS MUST!
no i think you should go back to the plan where you were gonna lay a valentines rose down at the feet of clover or crowbar or lipstick or whatever stretching out in front of the fireplace on a bearskin rug all naked and glowing while giving some felt dude duckface
better yet you should wait until i get off work so i can goddamn help you
JUST1N T1M3 DO3S NOT GO 1NTO TH3 F3LT BU1LD1NG FOR OBV1OUS R34SONS, 4ND TH4T B31NG 1T R33KS OF MOR3 CLOCK R3L4T3D SH3N4N1G4NS TH4N ON3 C4N SH4K3 4 STOPW4TCH 4T
1T 1S B4D 3NOUGH TH4T YOU H4V3 RUBB3D 1T 4LL OFF ON M3
not touching that one
1F YOU W1LL P4RDON TH3 PUN, R3M3MB3R TH3 L4ST T1M3 >:?
yeah so we got back to the future
after i mightve accidentally made out with jades grandpa
J4D3 DO3S NOT 3V3N H4V3 ON3 OF THOS3 TH1NGS!!
not after my sweet ass lips got to him she doesnt
With great sorrow in your heart, you whip out your handy ticketing pad and write out a notice of parking violation. You slip this beneath one windscreen-wiper like the caress of a woeful lover.
Officially, you now hass the car.
dont get stuck
i mean fully half my shit is in your apartment and youve got my keys
==>When the cops close the scene, you play the role of a distressed Mrs. Feltman, who is crumbling inside from her loss.
1 W1LL PUT ON QU1T3 TH3 P3RFORM4NC3 FOR TH3 POL1C3
1N F4CT 1 1M4G1N3 TH4T 4FT3R OUR M4NY 3V3NTFUL Y34RS TOG3TH3R 1 W1LL H4V3 COM3 TO C4R3 FOR TH3 F3LTM4N! SOM3 OF MY T34RS M4Y 3V3N B3 S1NC3R3!
==>You tell another Feltman of your wish to join the gang, for the sake of your dead beau’s last wish. Once the Felt takes pity on a poor dame and accepts your request, you are in
F1N4LLY 1 W1LL HONOR MY D34D HUSB4ND BY T4K1NG H1S PL4C3 1N TH3 UND3RWORLD
L1K3 YOUR HUM4N P3RS3PHON3 MYTH ONLY 1 W1LL JUST B3 PR3T3ND1NG
1 PR3D1CT TH4T W1TH1N F1V3 Y34RS OF MY 1NVOLV3M3NT TH3 F3LT W1LL B3G1N TO CRUMBL3 FROM TH3 1NS1D3 OUT L1K3 4 D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3GRUB D3SS3RT TR34T
4FT3R 4 S3R13S OF STR4T3G1C ST1NG OP3R41TONS
4LL OF WH1CH W1LL B3 ORCH3STR4T3D BY M3, TH3 1NS1D3 M4N>;]
TH3 ORG4N1Z4T1ON W1LL F4LL 4P4RT 4ND 1 W1LL H4V3 FULL 4CC3SS TO TH31R D4T4B4S3
4ND FROM TH3R3 W3 W1LL G3T TO TH3 BOTTOM OF TH1S M4LCONT3NT M4K4R4 MYST3RY
SO WH4T DO YOU TH1NK? >:]
oh you done already
somehow i was expecting a few more xanatos gambits and a five corkscrew rollercoaster
yeah that all seems pretty straightforward
==>After a few or so years of lavish dinners and passionate nights by candlelight, you kill the man by slipping iocane powder into his liquor.
L1K3 4LL M4RR14G3S 1T 3NDS 1N MURD3R!
4LTHOUGH 1 PL4Y 4 DUT1FUL W1F3 OV3R TH3 Y34RS 1 W1LL H4V3 B33N SL1PP1NG 3V3R 1NCR34S1NG DOS3S OF PO1SON 1NTO TH3 HOM3COOK3D M34LS 1 LOV1NGLY PR3P4R3 FOR H1M
Y3S D4V3 1 S41D Y34RS YOU DO NOT N33D TO R3P34T M3 FL4TLY L1K3 YOU 4LW4YS DO WH3N YOU 4R3 B31NG HUM4N 1NCR3D3LOUS
sorry let me rephrase that
i can think of like fifty ways you could kill someone faster just by using things in the school breakroom
1 4M PL4Y1NG 4 LONG G4M3 H3R3 D4V3
TH4T 1 B3COM3 4 F1RMLY 3ST4BL1SH3D F1XTUR3 OF TH3 F3LTM4NS L1F3 1S N3C3SS4RY FOR TH3 N3XT ST4G3 OF TH3 PL4N
MY PR3S3NC3 MUST NOT B3 QU3ST1ON3D OR 3V3N MOM3NT4R1LY RUM1N4T3D UPON
1 W1LL B3 H1D1NG 1N PL41N S1GHT!
==>Explain brilliant and S3XY plan to become romantically involved with one of the Feltmen
1 FUCK1NG 4M
4ND 1 W1LL DO 1T THROUGH FUCK1NG! >;]
1 W1LL US3 MY F3M1N1N3 W1L3S TO CR4CK TH1S C4S3!
which would be all well and good if you actually had those
1 W1LL H4V3 YOU KNOW TH4T 1 4M V3RY 4TTR4CT1V3 BY TH3 ST4ND4RDS OF 4NTHROPORMORPH1C B1LL14RDS B4LLS
is that what theyre supposed to be
1 H4V3 NO 1D34 >:?
yeah i was never really clear on that
wait this plan makes no sense and is also stupid
NO NO 1TS P3RF3CT 1T PL4YS TO 4LL OF MY STR3NGTHS
what strengths make you good at seducing vaguely bargame themed blobs of felt i mean
do they even have dicks
and if they do i repeat what strengths youve been holding back on me terezi
i mean i knew you were a freak but damn i cant take you anywhere anymore for fear that youll be giving horizontal lap dances to the pool table
dont even want to think what youll do with the cue
D4V3 DONT B3 D1SGUST1NG
YOU KNOW TH4T 1SNT WH4T 1 M34NT! >:[
so what happens after you make the beast with two backs and six awkwardly placed green lumps
TH1S 1S NOT 4BOUT S3X! 1 4M NOT 4TT3MPT1NG TO S3DUC3 H1M!!!
1 4M 4TT3MPT1NG TO WOO H1M >:]
==>BE THE ONE WITH DANGEROUS PLANS.
The Felt Building is a misnomer. This is one of many, and the Felt stronghold spans an entire city block. It also pockmarks the whole town with various strongholds tucked away in warehouses, skyscrapers, sewers and sleazy villas, all of which you were familiar with as a legislacerator. Not many people realize that this building in particular houses English himself.
There are not many people around. Even those with no gang affilation don’t quite like using the Felt sidewalk. For one thing, there are cameras, and for the other, you might end up getting your ass kicked into last Thursday. Literally last Thursday.
Before you are the dark-glass building doors. Behind you is one single broken streetlight and a hilarious car.
—SHOW SLIGHTLY MORE APPROPRIATE CELLPHONE LOG—
yeah so its actually recess now and its fine to call not that youre worried about that or anything
WH4T 4R3 YOU 34T1NG FOR BR34K
BULLSH1T 4ND L13S!!
ok im eating half an apple and six reeses pieces i found in my desk
whatve you eaten today captain vegetable
oh like hell you did
OK OK 1 H4D L4RG3 QU4NT1T3S OF R3D SYRUP 4ND 1 4M NOT 3V3N SORRY
HOW M4NY BL4DD3RS WOULD YOU 3XP3L 1F 1 TOLD YOU 1 W4S PL4NN1NG ON G3TT1NG 1NTO TH3 F3LT H34DQU4RT3RS >:?
tz youre fucking not
His sixteen bladders better hold tight, because you are! *** WHAT IS YOUR MASTER PLAN FOR GETTING INTO THE FELT HQ? ****** ENTER COMMAND ***
You are prevented from continued reading.