HEROBOUND

==>SIT DOWN WITH LORD ENGLISH

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 22:13:00 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

M1ST3R LORD 3NGL1SH, 1 H4V3 COM3 H3R3 ON 4 P3RSON4L M4TT3R

OF COURSE YOU HAVE.

YOU’RE THE LEGISLACERATOR.

W3LL >:\

NOT 4NY MOR3!

1 4M M3R3LY H3R3 UND3R TH3 4USP1C3S OF BOTH TR4FF1C L4W 4ND CONC3RN 4S 4 PR1V4T3 C1T1Z3N

TH4NK YOU V3RY MUCH FOR NOT K1LL1NG M3 BY TH3 W4Y 1 TH1NK TH4T 1S TH3 M4RK OF 4 TRU3 G3NTL3M4N

PLEASE.

NO.

I WOULD NEVER KILL ONE OF THE DOCTOR’S GIRLS.

TH4T D3SCR1PT1ON 1S B4S1C4LLY GROSS BUT 1 W1LL L3T 1T P4SS!

1 4M H3R3 R3G4RD1NG 4 TROLL WHO H4S R3PR3S3NT3D H1MS3LF 4S 1N YOUR 3MPLOY 4N 1ND1GOBLOOD C4LL3D G4MZ33 M4K4R4

I SEE.

GIRL, PASS ME A KLEENEX.

ALREADY GOT A SPOT ON MY COAT.

HOW CAN ANYONE EXPECT ME TO LOOK PROFESSIONAL

WHEN I AM ALREADY SMEAR?

==>

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:01:10 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

YOU THERE.

I AM JUST FUCKING WITH YOU.

OF COURSE I WILL PAY MY PARKING TICKET.

I AM AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN AND KNOW FULL WELL CROWBAR CANNOT PARK THAT CAR FOR SHIT.

NOW COME SIT DOWN WITH LORD ENGLISH AND TELL HIM WHY YOU HAVE BUSTED IN HERE ON SUCH A FLIMSY PRETEXT.

GIRL.

DO YOU LIKE TEA?

OF COURSE YOU DO.

I’LL INSTRUCT MY PEOPLE TO GET YOU SOME OF LAST WEDNESDAY’S.

IT WAS EXCELLENT.

==>

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:27:00 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

YOU THERE.

GIRL.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO ISSUE ME A PARKING TICKET

WHEN I WAS ALREADY CLEAR?

==>ENTER THE FELT DOMAIN

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 01:05:03 -0500

Lord English is the premier mob boss in the city. He is the king of crime, the guru of gangland. Even Mobster Kingpin comes a sour-faced second to the man behind the Felt, and the other gangs are petty arteries to the fetid pulsing heart of Felt criminality. You get your dark hoofbeasts — who knows what dark and vengeful God the Midnight Crew think they serve? — but the most brazen of supervillains wouldn’t cross the path of English lightly. Or that of his majordomo, Doc Scratch.

(Dave’s own rival dared cross swords with the latter, once! You too have a complex connection! But Morgaine is a law unto herself.)

Look at all this green shit. You’ll have lime in your sinuses for days.

—SHOW LOG—

M1ST3R LORD 3NGL1SH

THROUGH D4NG3RS UNTOLD 4ND H4RDSH1PS UNNUMB3R3D 1 H4V3 FOUGHT MY W4Y H3R3 TO YOUR FOURTH-FLOOR OFF1C3, TO 1SSU3 YOU W1TH NOT1C3 OF P4RK1NG V1OL4T1ON

FOR MY W1LL 1S 4S STRONG 4S YOURS

4ND MY K1NGDOM 4S GR34T

4LSO, 1 4M 4N OFF1C14L P41D BY TH3 C1TY TO 3NFORC3 TR4FF1C COMPL14NC3

==>IMPOUND THE HILARIOUS CAR

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 16:07:00 -0500

This is a little more like it.

The official Feltmobile is designed to be a stretch-poolvertible. The back is literally a billiards table. It has sweet rims and a dope paint job. It is the dumbest car you have ever laid eyes upon, and you regularly ride in a van that advertises protein powder.

—SHOW CELLPHONE LOG—

4H4!

do you know how you literally say aha

its like hearing a bullet come out of the worlds biggest shotgun and you know its aimed right for both testicles

LORD 3NGL1SH M4Y B3 CL3V3R BUT H3 H4S FORGOTT3N 4N 1MPORT4NT RUL3

4 THR33WH33L3D V3H1CL3 MUST NOT B3 P4RK3D W1TH1N F1FTY F33T OF 4 F1R3 HYDR4NT 3XC3PT UPON MOON-D3P3ND3NT PUBL1C HOL1D4YS NOT C3L3BR4T1NG 4NY R3L1G1OUS B3L13F

yeah that one trips me up all the time

is this your amazing plan btw youre going to ticket his pimp ride

1T GR13V3S MY H34RT SOR3LY TO CL4MP TH3 FR33DOM OF TH1S SW33T-4SS R1G WH1CH H4S DON3 NOTH1NG BUT S1T H3R3 B31NG UTT3RLY FR3SH

BUT N33DS MUST!

no i think you should go back to the plan where you were gonna lay a valentines rose down at the feet of clover or crowbar or lipstick or whatever stretching out in front of the fireplace on a bearskin rug all naked and glowing while giving some felt dude duckface

better yet you should wait until i get off work so i can goddamn help you

D4V3

JUST1N T1M3 DO3S NOT GO 1NTO TH3 F3LT BU1LD1NG FOR OBV1OUS R34SONS, 4ND TH4T B31NG 1T R33KS OF MOR3 CLOCK R3L4T3D SH3N4N1G4NS TH4N ON3 C4N SH4K3 4 STOPW4TCH 4T

1T 1S B4D 3NOUGH TH4T YOU H4V3 RUBB3D 1T 4LL OFF ON M3

not touching that one

1F YOU W1LL P4RDON TH3 PUN, R3M3MB3R TH3 L4ST T1M3 >:?

yeah so we got back to the future

eventually

after i mightve accidentally made out with jades grandpa

J4D3 DO3S NOT 3V3N H4V3 ON3 OF THOS3 TH1NGS!!

not after my sweet ass lips got to him she doesnt

With great sorrow in your heart, you whip out your handy ticketing pad and write out a notice of parking violation. You slip this beneath one windscreen-wiper like the caress of a woeful lover.

Officially, you now hass the car.

pyrope

dont get stuck

N3V3R >:]

i mean fully half my shit is in your apartment and youve got my keys

==>When the cops close the scene, you play the role of a distressed Mrs. Feltman, who is crumbling inside from her loss.

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:47:00 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

1 W1LL PUT ON QU1T3 TH3 P3RFORM4NC3 FOR TH3 POL1C3

1N F4CT 1 1M4G1N3 TH4T 4FT3R OUR M4NY 3V3NTFUL Y34RS TOG3TH3R 1 W1LL H4V3 COM3 TO C4R3 FOR TH3 F3LTM4N! SOM3 OF MY T34RS M4Y 3V3N B3 S1NC3R3!

==>You tell another Feltman of your wish to join the gang, for the sake of your dead beau’s last wish. Once the Felt takes pity on a poor dame and accepts your request, you are in

F1N4LLY 1 W1LL HONOR MY D34D HUSB4ND BY T4K1NG H1S PL4C3 1N TH3 UND3RWORLD

L1K3 YOUR HUM4N P3RS3PHON3 MYTH ONLY 1 W1LL JUST B3 PR3T3ND1NG

1 PR3D1CT TH4T W1TH1N F1V3 Y34RS OF MY 1NVOLV3M3NT TH3 F3LT W1LL B3G1N TO CRUMBL3 FROM TH3 1NS1D3 OUT L1K3 4 D3L1C1OUS 4PPL3GRUB D3SS3RT TR34T

4FT3R 4 S3R13S OF STR4T3G1C ST1NG OP3R41TONS

4LL OF WH1CH W1LL B3 ORCH3STR4T3D BY M3, TH3 1NS1D3 M4N>;]

TH3 ORG4N1Z4T1ON W1LL F4LL 4P4RT 4ND 1 W1LL H4V3 FULL 4CC3SS TO TH31R D4T4B4S3

4ND FROM TH3R3 W3 W1LL G3T TO TH3 BOTTOM OF TH1S M4LCONT3NT M4K4R4 MYST3RY

SO WH4T DO YOU TH1NK? >:]

………. D4V3?

oh you done already

somehow i was expecting a few more xanatos gambits and a five corkscrew rollercoaster

yeah that all seems pretty straightforward

R34LLY?

no

==>After a few or so years of lavish dinners and passionate nights by candlelight, you kill the man by slipping iocane powder into his liquor.

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 22:16:34 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

L1K3 4LL M4RR14G3S 1T 3NDS 1N MURD3R!

oh naturally

4LTHOUGH 1 PL4Y 4 DUT1FUL W1F3 OV3R TH3 Y34RS 1 W1LL H4V3 B33N SL1PP1NG 3V3R 1NCR34S1NG DOS3S OF PO1SON 1NTO TH3 HOM3COOK3D M34LS 1 LOV1NGLY PR3P4R3 FOR H1M

years

Y3S D4V3 1 S41D Y34RS YOU DO NOT N33D TO R3P34T M3 FL4TLY L1K3 YOU 4LW4YS DO WH3N YOU 4R3 B31NG HUM4N 1NCR3D3LOUS

sorry let me rephrase that

i can think of like fifty ways you could kill someone faster just by using things in the school breakroom

1 4M PL4Y1NG 4 LONG G4M3 H3R3 D4V3

TH4T 1 B3COM3 4 F1RMLY 3ST4BL1SH3D F1XTUR3 OF TH3 F3LTM4NS L1F3 1S N3C3SS4RY FOR TH3 N3XT ST4G3 OF TH3 PL4N

MY PR3S3NC3 MUST NOT B3 QU3ST1ON3D OR 3V3N MOM3NT4R1LY RUM1N4T3D UPON

1 W1LL B3 H1D1NG 1N PL41N S1GHT!

==>Explain brilliant and S3XY plan to become romantically involved with one of the Feltmen

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 19:04:06 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

1 FUCK1NG 4M

4ND 1 W1LL DO 1T THROUGH FUCK1NG! >;]

what

1 W1LL US3 MY F3M1N1N3 W1L3S TO CR4CK TH1S C4S3!

which would be all well and good if you actually had those

RUD3!

1 W1LL H4V3 YOU KNOW TH4T 1 4M V3RY 4TTR4CT1V3 BY TH3 ST4ND4RDS OF 4NTHROPORMORPH1C B1LL14RDS B4LLS

is that what theyre supposed to be

1 H4V3 NO 1D34 >:?

yeah i was never really clear on that

wait this plan makes no sense and is also stupid

NO NO 1TS P3RF3CT 1T PL4YS TO 4LL OF MY STR3NGTHS

what strengths make you good at seducing vaguely bargame themed blobs of felt i mean

do they even have dicks

and if they do i repeat what strengths youve been holding back on me terezi

i mean i knew you were a freak but damn i cant take you anywhere anymore for fear that youll be giving horizontal lap dances to the pool table

dont even want to think what youll do with the cue

D4V3 DONT B3 D1SGUST1NG

YOU KNOW TH4T 1SNT WH4T 1 M34NT! >:[

so what happens after you make the beast with two backs and six awkwardly placed green lumps

TH1S 1S NOT 4BOUT S3X! 1 4M NOT 4TT3MPT1NG TO S3DUC3 H1M!!!

1 4M 4TT3MPT1NG TO WOO H1M >:]

==>BE THE ONE WITH DANGEROUS PLANS.

Thu, 19 Jan 2012 15:07:00 -0500

The Felt Building is a misnomer. This is one of many, and the Felt stronghold spans an entire city block. It also pockmarks the whole town with various strongholds tucked away in warehouses, skyscrapers, sewers and sleazy villas, all of which you were familiar with as a legislacerator. Not many people realize that this building in particular houses English himself.

There are not many people around. Even those with no gang affilation don’t quite like using the Felt sidewalk. For one thing, there are cameras, and for the other, you might end up getting your ass kicked into last Thursday. Literally last Thursday.

Before you are the dark-glass building doors. Behind you is one single broken streetlight and a hilarious car.

—SHOW SLIGHTLY MORE APPROPRIATE CELLPHONE LOG—

yeah so its actually recess now and its fine to call not that youre worried about that or anything

WH4T 4R3 YOU 34T1NG FOR BR34K

salad

BULLSH1T 4ND L13S!!

ok im eating half an apple and six reeses pieces i found in my desk

whatve you eaten today captain vegetable

GR4P3FRUIT

oh like hell you did

OK OK 1 H4D L4RG3 QU4NT1T3S OF R3D SYRUP 4ND 1 4M NOT 3V3N SORRY

HOW M4NY BL4DD3RS WOULD YOU 3XP3L 1F 1 TOLD YOU 1 W4S PL4NN1NG ON G3TT1NG 1NTO TH3 F3LT H34DQU4RT3RS >:?

all sixteen

tz youre fucking not

His sixteen bladders better hold tight, because you are!

*** WHAT IS YOUR MASTER PLAN FOR GETTING INTO THE FELT HQ? ***

*** ENTER COMMAND ***

==>CONTINUE READING

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 21:00:00 -0500

You are prevented from continued reading.

==>CONTINUE READING

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 20:27:00 -0500

Dr. Harley, it’s said that your time with the Heroic Associates also put you through college? There are plenty of lucrative scholarships available for Associates who start early, and good dental plans for sidekicks.

yeah, thanks to the heroic association i hold a phD in physics, another phD in superphysics and a third phD in super xtreme physics

i also technically have a degree in robotic engineering

D —> Technically only e%tends to horseshoes and hand grenades, Doctor

they said using my dog invalidated some of my research, which is… total bullshit!!

Do you hold any particular thoughts and dreams for the future?

D —> A soldier for justice should not place too much weight on a 100dicrously amorphous ‘future’

D —> Heroes give us the gift of a future, even if it seems that at times the undeserving public over100ks their work entirely

D —> It would be ridiculous in the e%treme to talk about desires that are empty words

:33 < wow that wasnt purrtentious and depressing as shit or anything

D —> E%cuse me, who is answering the question here

its ok i can do a translation from snobass to real person speak: we just want to keep doing what we do i think! its important to us that we keep carrying the torch we got given and fight the good fight!! we will know when its over and at that point we can start thinking about dreams, nobody should ever give up on dreams entirely :c

:33 < *the kittythemed heroines nose twitches wildly in agr33ment!*

D —> Was it really that pretentious

yes

:33 < yes

D —> Fiddlesticks

I am personally one hundred percent certain you will keep fighting the good fight for years to come.

==>CONTINUE REREADING PAGE 5, FROM MID-INTERVIEW

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:41:00 -0500

Let’s leave general history for a moment and get on to personal. You weren’t an agency placement; Dr. Harley was registered as your scientist asset from the start. What made you three think that you were on to a good thing?

D —> Our modus operandi has always been 100sely weapons-based

D —> I had intended to act as both mechanic and repairs, but Dr. Harley came in and began making some pushy but admittedly effective changes which allowed us to e%plore new tacti%

boo you buster i wasnt pushy!!

anyway i wasnt looking for full superhero registration, this was the perfect job for me

:33 < it was also the correct mix of purrsonalities! we all like to pounce in there and let fur fly even if horsepower says he doesnt

D —> I do not

:33 < yes you do

D —> I don’t

:33 < anyways, youve got to pawvide back-up if youre going to maneufur big and fast, we wouldnt have lasted this long without dr harley to k33p us locked and loaded! she is also sw33t and great and a close purrsonal friend as well as our colleague

D —> Indeed, we would not enjoy our current level of efficiency nor would life be remotely the same

awwww you saps!

D —> She cannot drive the van worth a damn however

X33 < *the furriendly superhero lols heartily at the doctors expense*

wow, bite me

anyway when theyre not being assholes, these two are my best adventure <3

Some superhero pairs can hold a distant relationship with their auxillaries, especially in the realm of mad science. It’s all test tubes and exploding pens for most, but you all seem to have a strong bond and a high level of involvement in everything the other two do. Is there anything you’d say that brings you all together?

:33 < weird furry porn

weird furry porn

D —> Tasteful anthropomorphic erotica

HERO WEEKLY: ISSUE #401, 7/12/2020

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 23:54:28 -0500

==>WHAT A DEVELOPMENT!!

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 00:01:00 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

L3X P4RS1MON43! TH3 S1MPL3ST 3XPL4N4T1ON 1N COMP3T1NG HYPOTH3S3S T3NDS TO PROV1D3 TH3 CORR3CT ON3!

TH3 1NT3RRUPT1ON OF OFF1C14L SUP3RH3RO BUS1N3SS

H1S 4PP34R4NC3 SOLO!

1ND1C4T1NG H1NTS OF SUP3RPOW3RS 4ND TH3 P3RSON4L 4SP3CT 4ND 4LSO

Pipe down, Ms. Pyrope.

There is no indigo-blooded troll meeting your description on my employee roll, current or past. Illusory correlation. Your only evidence was Felt gear.

BUT —

Don’t ask if I’m sure. You’d overstep your boundary.

1 S33

1F YOULL P4RDON TH3 PUN!

1 4POLOG1Z3 FOR 4NY T1M3 W4ST3D 4ND 1 4LSO 4PPR3C14T3 TH3 1NFORM4T1ON

TH4NK YOU FOR TH3 1NT3RV13W 4ND FOR TH3 L4V1SH 4MOUNTS OF R3D SYRUP © BUT NOW 1 SHOULD B3 L34V1NG 1MM3D14T3LY

Terezi.

Word of advice. Don’t get involved with English right now.

1S TH4T 4 W4RN1NG >:?

It’s not a threat.

1F YOU KNOW SOM3TH1NG 1 WOULD 4PPR3C14T3 B31NG TOLD —

You’re not a child any more. Life’s short.

Let it lie.

You suddenly understand jack shit.

==>DRINK THE DRINKS OF VILLAINY

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 23:20:25 -0500

—SHOW LOG—

1 L1K3 WH4T YOUV3 DON3 W1TH TH3 PL4C3 BY TH3 W4Y TH3 GR33N FL4M3S 4R3 V3RY 3LDR1TCH

I get a tax write-off for decor.

Accusation of Vile Corp involvement with the mob is one with weight, Ms. Pyrope. Any villain taking gang money would find themselves abruptly shelved.

TH1S W1LL B3 ON3 OF YOUR N3W N1GHTT1M3 GOONS

4N 1ND1GO-BLOOD3D TROLL 1NT3RRUPT3D 4 CLOCK ST1NG WH1L3 OP3NLY W34R1NG F3LT 1NS1GN14!

H3 WOULD 1D3NT1FY 4S M4L3, B3 4ROUND S1X FOOT THR33, D1DNT G1V3 4N 4L14S BUT TH3 R34L N4M3 1S M4K4R4, 4LTHOUGH TH3R3 1S TH3 POSS1B1L1TY H3 H4S CH4NG3D 1T

FOR TH3 R3CORD H3 H4D HORS3POW3RS BOW WH1CH 1 HOP3 YOU W1LL 4GR33 1S JUST T4CKY >:[

The Felt.

1 4M SUR3 YOU W1LL W4NT TO 4VO1D FURTH3R P3RSON4L 4SSOC14T1ON OF V1L3 CORP W1TH TH3 F3LT, M4D4M D1R3CTOR

Improbable. The Felt would no more take one of my employees than the Midnight Crew would Madame Murel’s girls.

TH3 R1GHT CL4W DO3S NOT 4LW4YS KNOW WH4T TH3 L3FT CL4W 1S DO1NG!

Don’t patronize me, Pyrope. I’m checking up on the matter as we speak.

Your problem is that you become too married to your gut-instinct hypotheses.

WH1CH M34NS >:?

Why assume that this troll was one of mine?

==>WALK INTO VILE CORP’S VILE DEN

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 22:18:33 -0500

The head of Vile Corp., the administrator behind all villainous doings in the city, is not surprised to see you. She never is. She is also incredibly cavalier about indoor smoking laws as applied to government buildings.

Classic villainy.

—SHOW LOG—

Oracle.

1 4M CURR3NTLY 1NCOGN1TO, 4ND 1T 1S G4UCH3 TO B3 OP3N 4BOUT WH4T W3 BOTH KNOW!

Saves time. If nicety is your concern, Ms. Pyrope, then allow for small talk. How is Vriska and that floppy-haired human fool?

OH H3 1S 4S FLOPPYH41R3D HUM4N 4ND FOOL1SH 4S 3V3R

SH3 S33MS H4PPY, WH1CH 1 SUPPOS3 1S WH4T COUNTS

She was a loss. A great deal of potential.

TYPH3US 1S GOOD FOR H3R

1 TH1NK TH3 M4RQU1S3 PROV3D 4MPLY TH3 R34SONS 4S TO WHY VR1SK4 S3RK3T SHOULD NOT B3 4LLOW3D TO RUN R1OT >:[

And you never feel a twinge at the loss of your rival?

NOT 4 ON3!

Gauche to lie about what we both know, Ms. Pyrope.

This isn’t a social call. Speak your concern.

MY CONC3RN 1S W1TH TH3 1LL3G4L 1NT3RS3CT1ON OF V1LL41NS 4ND ORG4N1Z3D CR1M3, WH1CH 4S YOU V3RY P3RSON4LLY KNOW 1S 1LL1C1T 4S 4LL H3LL!

Once a lawyer, always a lawyer.

Sit down. My secretary will get us coffee.

JUST 4 T4ZO ® P4SS1ON ™ BR3W3D T34 © 3XTR4 HOT NO FO4M 4DD3D R3D ® PL34S3

STR1D3R 4ND 1 4R3 CUTT1NG OUT TR4NS F4TS

==>CONTINUE TO VILE CORP

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 20:35:29 -0500

Vile Corp. The place where it all begins. Their administrator is one of the city’s most powerful players in this high-stakes game of Guess Who, the mystery-face game… where people die.

Thankfully for you, you have contacts. You know Vile Corp’s administrator well. She’s one of the most dangerous women you know, and you have a little black book so full of dangerous women it should be a stick of dynamite in a negligee.

Her secretary is only vaguely less dangerous.

—SHOW LOG—

Terezi! T)(is is unexperc)(ted!

P31X3S TH4T W4S NOT ON3 OF YOUR B3TT3R PUNS

I )(ad to t)(ink of it on t)(e flyfis)(. 38(

TH4T W4S ONLY M4RG1N4LLY B3TT3R >:]

SO 1 H4V3 W4ND3R3D 1NTO TH1S WR3TCH3D P4L4C3 OF S1N TO S33 YOUR D4RK M1STR3SS

Ps)()()(. My dark mistress needs an APPOINTM-ENT, you know.

1 TH1NK SH3 W1LL S33 M3 APPO1NTM3NT OR NO 4PPO1NTM3NT

Glub! Ms. Snowman is out to lunc)(, Terezi.

HORS3SH1T! SH3 H4S N3V3R L3FT H3R D3SK FOR LUNCH, L3T 4LON3 TH3 BU1LD1NG!

1 D3M4ND 3NTRY >:[

You know I could just let you float around reel easy, drifting out in t)(e current and never let you spot land, RIG)(T? T)(at you could be beac)(ed here forever and ever if I felt pacifically in t)(e mood?

4LL YOU D3S1R3 FROM M3 1S 4 Y3S, PR1NC3SS CR4NB3RRY S4UC3

)(ee )(ee. 38D

You get complaicent if I just let you t)(rash all over me! Don’t begrudge me )(aving some fun, okay? If I don’t provide you a little opposition t)(en you are in danger of glubbing rusting s)(ut.

TH1S 1S NOT OPPOS1T1ON! TH1S 1S B4S1C4LLY JUST YOU TR34D1NG OV3R M3 1N YOUR FR1VOLOUS SP1K3D H33LS FOR TH3 SH3LL OF 1T!

You used a fis)( pun, so I will allow you to proceed wit)(out )(arm.

But if you want me to fit you into my spiked )(eel sc)(edule I can try for Tuesday?

TH1S OFF3R 1S 3XC3SS1V3LY T3MPT1NG BUT 1 W1LL H4V3 TO D3CL1N3

It’s okay, I was just fucking wit)( you. 38)

==>BE TEREZI. BEGIN MISSION.

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 22:06:00 -0500

You take a break. You’re not even on the clock. You just take your duties as a traffic cop very seriously! As you have explained to Dave, traffic law is the very primal heart of coppery: it is the first and most fundamental celebration of order. Dave generally does not listen because he is sadly brushing child spittle off his pants.

But you have bigger worries on your mind than wiggler saliva. The reappearance of Gamzee Makara bedecked in lime is not merely a mystery. It is foreboding. It bodes harder than even the events of two weeks ago. Gamzee’s funny green suit and villainous descent is just the smelliest omen to date.

—SHOW MONOLOGUE LOG—

TH1S C1TY 1S DY1NG OF SP1T BO1L1NG B4RKB34ST D1S34S3

1S TH3 B3ST 1 C4N DO TO T3ND3RLY L1CK TH3 FL3CKS OF FO4M 4W4Y FROM 1TS MOUTH?

==> CONTINUE TO WASTE THE LEARNING TIME OF OUR PRECIOUS FUTURE

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 01:00:00 -0500

— SHOW INCONVENIENT CELLPHONE CALL LOG —

R3M3MB3R WH4T 1 3XPL41N3D TO YOU L4ST N1GHT WH1L3 W3 W3R3 W4LK1NG OFF 4LL THOS3 3MPTY C4LOR13S FROM TH3 P1ZZ4?

yeah about how the guy who jacked our witness used to be some old friend of yours or whatever

1 W4S 4 LOT MOR3 SP3C1F1C TH4N TH4T D4V3!

sorry forgot

had a lot of lesson plan to jam in after my oh thirty two seconds of sleep

444UGH

W3LL 1 GU3SS TH4T C4NT B3 H3LP3D

H3 GOT SH3LV3D Y34RS 4GO 4FT3R B31NG D33M3D UNF1T TO S3RV3 4S 4 H3RO

BUT H3 W4S W34R1NG F3LT DUDS L4ST N1GHT

so what the dude fails his exam and goes rogue

not entirely unheard of

4CTU4LLY 1T 1S!

D4V3 D1DNT YOU R34D TH3 F1N3 PR1NT ON OUR CONTR4CT?

V1L3 CORP. 1S STR1CTLY FORB1DD3N FROM T4K1NG 1N 4NYON3 WHO F41LS TH31R H3RO1C PSYCH 3X4M

G4MZ33 W4S NOT “ROGU3”. H3 W4S WORK1NG FOR TH3 F3LT

4ND TH4T 1S TOT4LLY

1LL3G4L!!!!

dont get too excited tz

this is getting a little x rated

im around children here

H4 H4 TH1S 1S S3R1OUS

1 4M GO1NG TO H4V3 4 T4LK W1TH TH3 H34D OF V1L3 CORP. TO H34R WH4T SH3 H4S TO S4Y FOR H3RS3LF

oh that sounds like a pretty stupid thing to do

Y3P

awesome good luck

TH4NK YOU 4S 4LW4YS FOR YOUR CONC3RN!!

no prob

1 H4V3 4 CR1M1N4L TO C4TCH SO 1 H4V3 TO GO BUT 1F YOU DONT H34R FROM M3 BY N1N3 PM PL34S3 COM3 R3SCU3 M3

D4SH1NGLY

>:]

> :]

>:]

> :]

>:]

i cant actually hear you waggling your eyebrows you know

STOP R1GHT TH3R3, PUNK!!

YOU TURN 1NTO TH4T ON3-W4Y 4ND 1 W1LL R3MOV3 YOUR THUMBS

==>BE THE ONE WHO DOESN’T TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY DON’T NEED TO KNOW

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 23:26:00 -0500

— SHOW INCONVENIENT CELLPHONE CALL LOG —

H3LLO MR STR1D3R 1 HOP3 TH4T YOU B3H4V1NG YOURS3LF TOD4Y

1N YOUR ROL3 4S 4N 1NNOCUOUS C1V1L14N 1N 4N 1ND1SP3NS1BL3 4ND P3RF3CTLY 1NNOC3NT OCCUP4T1ON

terezi how many times do i gotta tell you not to call me at work

YOU C4LL M3 4T WORK 4LL TH3 T1M3!

yeah on my break

1 DO NOT H4V3 ‘BR34KS’ D4V3

B3C4US3 TH3 L4W N3V3R SL33PS

tell me about it you had me up so late last night i barely got ten minutes of zs

WH4T 4 ST4T3M3NT SUBJ3CT TO COM3D1C M1SUND3RST4ND1NG!

i know right

gets us a goddamn laugh track over here

anyway sup

this better be important

1T 1S

1 JUST W4NT3D TO T3LL YOU WH3R3 1 4M GO1NG 1N C4S3 1 DONT R3TURN

4ND 4LSO TH4T….

YOU W3R3 4 GOOD P4RTN3R D4V3

1 4PPR3C14T3D OUR T1M3 TOG3TH3R

3V3N 1F YOUR T4ST3 1N P1ZZ4 W4S QU3ST1ON4BL3

woah woah wait back it up

what the hell are you going on about

1 4M 4BOUT TO 3MB4RK ON 4 M1SS1ON 1N TH3 COLD 4ND UNFORG1V1NG L1GHT OF D4Y

1 KNOW TH4T 1T 1S D4NG3ROUS TO F1GHT CR1ME OUT OF TH3 S4F3TY OF TH3 SH4DOWS BUT TH1S 1S N3C3SS4RY

could you maybe do something useful like explain the specifics of the plan or even just provide a dude with a melodrama to english dictionary

F1111N3

D4V3 SOM3T1M3S YOU 4R3 NO FUN

part and parcel of the profession tz

BLUH BLUH HUG3 BOR3

uh yeah kids how about you go touch the xylophones