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Let’s talk about the people in your lives. What kind of support network do you have?
well, we have the support of only the most talented victim in the business, karkat vantas. seriously, he is such a professional. whether he is getting held up at a bank or being used as a meat shield for someone escaping, he is one of the most giving hostages ever. whenever i’m on a mission and the mission involves rescuing karkat, i know i’m not going to have any trouble plucking him out of the way before a giant snake tries to eat him. he is a trooper and a true artist.
He also drives our van!
yeah, he also divides his time between us and, you know, walking accidentally into grim nighttime drug busts for the oracle and her crew, so i guess we have to share him. by day he’s getting assaulted by hallucinogenic death frogs, by night he’s digging his own shallow grave. [gesturing] that’s flexibility. that is rare.
I once saw him get impregn8ed with a 8illion horri8le poison spores and he just kept on eating his taco. I laughed.
What about your futures? You’ve gone on record as saying that you’re not interested in the merchandise portion of the biz.
yeah, we’re sort of leaving that to renowned superhero duo the hot gods.
not that the money wouldn’t be nice. i mean, if i got to pick, my perfect future would be settling down and having some kids with that special someone. [winks emphatically] see it’s because when i was growing up, my hero was my dad. there was nothing he couldn’t do. my old man was incredible!
i say ‘was’ because he is deceased now.
super deceased.
Defin8ely dead.
an ex-dad.
As for me, the future? Pshhhhhhhh. That’s for other losers. I’m going to fight until I die!
“Heroes give us the gift of the future.” I have to ask: the events of two weeks ago. Your colleagues Horsepower and Catapult were shelved, despite redestruction of Fenris. Can we talk about Fenris? Can you talk about what happened in general?
No comment!!!!!!!!
no comment.
Sorry, journalistic integrity, I had to try. Let’s end on a brighter note: what advice would you give to young superheroes?
Young superheroes come up to me aaaaaaaall the time. They’re all, “Lady Luck, you’re the 8est! When I graduate to a full hero license, I want to 8e just like you.” Man! Adora8le. So I always make sure I give my little 8uddies wise words to live 8y.
Like: get the fuck out of my way! I’m trying to kill a 8ig slime monster! Geeeeeeeez!
remember that superheroes become heroes so that other people don’t have to. so you have to love the people you’re doing this for, though the heroes association wanted me to talk about how you shouldn’t love them so much that you end up obviously getting their phone numbers! this is “unprofessional.” my bad.
it’s your duty to love them like you’d love a well-behaved puppy or a wedge of pie.
wait. unless you’re an antihero.
HEROBOUND
