December 2011
19 posts
2 tags
==>FINALLY ARRIVE AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
It is a hard life being in the MOBSTER KINGPIN’S employ. You work the SASSY SPEAKEASY nightshift, SASSY SPEAKEASIES being a thing despite Paradox City’s stark lack of PROHIBITION. You are constantly harrassed by RIVAL GANGS, such as THE FELT, whose clock cache you are knocking over RIGHT THE NOW.
Some may think bombing the fuck out of security systems and then ransacking SWEET TIMEPIECE...
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—SHOW LOG—
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW THE RULES OF THIS VAN?? THE RULE OF THIS VAN IS THAT WHOEVER IS IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT HAS NIGH-OMNIPOTENT CONTROL OF THE DIRECTIONS IN WHICH THE VAN IS GOING, AND WHOEVER IS IN THE PASSENGER SEAT SHUTS HER REEKING DRIVELGATE!
1S TH3 RUL3 4LSO TH4T TH3 DR1V3R H4S TO SLOW DOWN 4T 4LL TH3 4MB3R STOPL1GHTS
FUCK YOU! AMBER MEANS SLOW DOWN!
...
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==>RECEIVE COMMUNIQUE
—SHOW LOG—
INCOMING FROM STRIDER. GET INTO THE BACK AND BELT UP, WE’RE ON THE MOVE. ok, ok! keep your pants on geeeez MY PANTS ARE WELDED FIRMLY TO EACH BUTTOCK, AND EVEN IF THEY WEREN’T, HOW ABOUT TAKING A JUMP OFF GET-A-CLUE DOCK AND TREATING THIS ONE THING WITH CONSIDERATION! THIS IS A FUCKING CALL-OUT. WE ARE ON THE MOVE. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DISASTER AND SUCCESS RELIES ON...
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—SHOW LOG—
ANYWAY, PASS ME SOME FRIES. SITTING AROUND WAITING FOR ORACLE AND TIMESKIP OR MINUTEMAN — OR WHATEVER EMBARRASSING MONIKER HE’S DREAMT UP AS SYNONYM FOR ‘ASSHOLE LAD’! — IS NOT MY IDEA OF A FUN EVENING. TYPHEUS AND LUCK AT LEAST ONLY PROVIDE ME WITH SWIFT MASSAGES OF MY TIED-TO-TRAIN-TRACK MUSCLES. WITH THESE TWO, I JUST FUCKING KNOW THAT BY 2 AM, I’LL BE...
2 tags
==>LET HER IN. IT IS PRETTY GRIMDARK OUT THERE.
—SHOW LOG—
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE IN YOUR CONDITION. ALSO, WHAT THE WET FECAL TRUFFLES ARE YOU DOING WRITHING AROUND IN THE PASSENGER SEAT? oh nothing karkat its not like im… pregnant!!! :c OH, DEAR DEAD TROLL GOD. STRIDER SPAT IN YOUR EYE, DIDN’T HE? HE KNOCKED YOU UP! YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE PARASITES. WHERE WILL WE PUT THEM? WHEN DO THEY COME?...
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==>BE THE ONES WHO LIVE IN YAOIVILLE
Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are currently sitting in a CRAPPY FOUR-WHEELED VEHICULAR DEVICE working your second shift as the GUY WHO DRIVES THE VAN for your dumbass superhero friends. Your day job is that of a HIGH PROFILE ACCREDITED VICTIM, also for your dumbass superhero friends. Superhero is basically the most asinine profession you could possibly name out of over a thousand asinine...
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==>DARING DUO: EXTRACT YOUR HEROIC SELVES FROM THE...
—SHOW HERO LOG—
4UGH TH4TS TH3 TH1RD T1M3 TH1S W33K W3 H4V3 L4ND3D 1N TH1S 3X4CT DUMPST3R >:[ goodbye pizza 1T KN3W WH4T 1T W4S G3TT1NG 1NTO tz no pizza is an innocent lifeform NO ON3 1S 1NNOC3NT D4V3 TH1S 1S Y4O1V1LL3 yeah good thing we dont live here right 1 KNOW!
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==>AND SO THE DARING DUO HEED THE CALL OF JUSTICE!...
—SHOW HERO LOG—
TH3 OR4CL3!!! >:] 4ND … 44444ND? oh come on do i have to JUST S4Y 1T!!! >:[ … justin time
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==>OR4CL3, INDULGE IN YOUR THIRD FAVOURITE HEROIC...
—SHOW HERO LOG—
3V3R S1NC3 TH3 ONS3T OF SUP3R SC13NC3 4ND R4D14T1ON L34KS TH1S C1TY H4S TURN3D 1TS 4TT3NT1ON TO B1GG3R 4ND B3TT3R THR34TS!
yup TH3 SORT OF THR34TS TH4T DO NOT LURK B3N34TH GR4P3-COL4 SK13S OF SMOG 4ND ST4RS uh huh BUT TH3 K1ND TH4T W4LK FR33LY B3N34TH TH3 L3MONY-FR3SH C4NOPY OF D4Y! fascinating BUT TH1S C1TY N3V3R SL33PS D4V3 4ND N31TH3R DO W3!...
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==>BE THE GRIMDARK HERO INTERRUPTED BY PIZZA
Your name is Terezi Pyrope and your partner does not appreciate art. He may spin a sick rhyme or five when the fancy strikes him but his appreciation for the spoken word ends with diggity down d bombs and hardly extends to the ancient and sacred art of valiant soliloquy. He takes no joy in the HEROIC HARANGUING of HEINOUS HARRIDANS. He does not fall faint when you LAVISHLY LECTURE these...
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== > BE THE GRIMDARK HERO THAT PARADOX CITY NEEDS
— SHOW MONOLOGUELOG —
4NOTH3R SC4L3M4T3 C4RC4SS 1N MY 4LL3Y TH1S MORN1NG. CO4RS3 ROP3 ON TW1ST3D N3CK. TH3 C1TY 1S 4FR41D OF M3. 1 H4V3 SM3LT 1TS TRU3 F4C3 4ND 1T ST1NKS OF L13S. THE STR33TS 4R3 JUST GUTT3RS 4ND TH3 GUTT3RS 4R3 FULL OF D3L1C1OUS BLOOD, TH3 C4NDY FL4VOUR3D K1ND TH4T HUM4NS 4ND CH3SS P3OPL3 BL33D 4ND WH3N TH3 STR33TS F1N4LLY SC4B OV3R 3V3RYON3 W1LL DROWN 1N...
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==>NIGHT FALLS. LADY LUCK: WAKE UP
Nope!!!!!!!! But who travels Paradox City at this inauspicious hour? Who answers its pleas?
2 tags
==>WELCOME TO THE CITY TAKE TWO
Truly, a fine array of names! But which of these heralds our cradle of civilization?
Welcome to PARADOX CITY! Take a stroll down its main street, the YELLOW YARD. Or do you own an apartment in the rich carapace district of CAN TOWN CENTRAL? Visit CADEUCEUS AVENUE or GENESIS HEIGHTS, or enjoy an afternoon in BILIOUS PARK. Raise your young in the vast residential jungle of HUS ANDRELES, or...
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==>WELCOME TO THE CITY
The city does not know what’s coming. This city isn’t aware of any changes in metaphorical temperature. Reason being, cities don’t have complex feelings.
This city is old. Old as balls. But only today will it be given a name! What will this glorious metropolis be called?
==>WELCOME TO THE CITY TAKE TWO
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==>TURN THE PAGE
Let’s talk about the people in your lives. What kind of support network do you have?
well, we have the support of only the most talented victim in the business, karkat vantas. seriously, he is such a professional. whether he is getting held up at a bank or being used as a meat shield for someone escaping, he is one of the most giving hostages ever. whenever i’m on a mission and the mission...
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==>TURN THE PAGE
But LADY LUCK, what about you?
I’m w8ing for the right villain. I’m a troll, this means something to us. You can’t just enter a rivalry with any old asshole! You have to hold out for someone who really yanks your heroic frond. In fact, I don’t hold out much hope I’ll ever meet someone who’d 8e as villainous as I could get. You know. If I had 8een or ever would 8e a villain. Which I wasn’t. ...
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==>TURN THE PAGE
Crazy amounts of good luck — or bad luck to your enemies. Wind control. For the both of you, superb skill in melee combat — and flight! So what’s the origin story of your powers?
we harnessed the power of true love!
It was 8oss!
C’mon. What’s with all the secrecy? Even on the official registry forms, your power origin is blanked out. It’s not completely unheard of, but do you want...
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==>PERUSE ARTICLE
By INTREPID JOURNALIST In HOTTEST HEROES OF THE LAST HUNDRED YEARS, Lady Luck and Captain Typheus achieved the impossible: won Reader’s Choice and a coveted second place, right after The Immortal Forty-Eight and just before citywide favorite The Exiles. Emerging today for an interview, it’s true that they’re larger than life. I’m not the first to get starstruck in front of this much orange...
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==>HERO WEEKLY: ISSUE #413, 14/4/2021
==>PERUSE ARTICLE
